Required reading

Module I — The Humble Brag

The humble brag is the foundational form. The candidate will achieve fluency in the canonical openings — “I’m humbled to announce,” “I never thought I’d be sharing this,” “Some personal news,” and the ever-effective “Wow, what a journey” — each of which signals to the reader that they are about to be told something. The skilled practitioner inverts the relationship between humility and disclosure: the more substantial the achievement, the smaller the framing, and the more the post must dwell on the team and the support of others before, eventually, naming the achievement in the seventh paragraph.

The candidate will be examined on the strategic placement of the announcement itself, which should never appear above the fold and should always be preceded by a brief reflection on adversity, a quotation from a deceased Roman, and at least one mention of one’s parents.

Module II — Aggressive Thought Leadership

The thought leader does not have credentials. The thought leader has opinions. The candidate will master the foundational rhetorical postures: the contrarian take (“Unpopular opinion: …”), the false dilemma (“There are two kinds of people…”), and the most pernicious of all, the bullet-list of life lessons extracted from a single uneventful Uber ride. Each post must close with the phrase “Your move.”, “What say you?”, or, in extremis, “Comment your thoughts below.”

The candidate is reminded that thought leadership requires neither subject- matter expertise nor an actual thought; it requires only the disciplined performance of having had one.

Module III — Engagement Baiting

The candidate will demonstrate proficiency in the construction of posts designed not to inform but to provoke a measurable response. Approved formats include the rhetorical question (“Who agrees?”), the sentence-fragment emotional ladder (“Five years ago I was broke. / Today I closed my third acquisition. / The difference?”), and the photograph of one’s laptop on an airplane tray-table accompanied by the caption “Where I do my best work.”

The candidate is to remember that engagement is the only currency the platform recognizes, that comments are weighted more heavily than likes, and that disagreement is the second-best form of agreement.

Module IV — Excessive Commenting

The advanced practitioner does not stop at posting. The advanced practitioner comments. The candidate will be evaluated on the daily routine: at least twelve substantive comments per business day, beginning with the salutation “Great post, [First Name]!”, continuing with a one-sentence restatement of the original post, and concluding with a personal anecdote that has only the loosest relationship to the subject at hand. The comment must end with a question, ideally rhetorical, and at least one of the candidate’s own posts should be linked, with a graceful “Reminded me of something I wrote recently…”

The graduate is expected to maintain this discipline for no fewer than three years, and to never, under any circumstances, log out.