Required reading

Module I — A Note on the Nomenclature

The candidate will demonstrate facility with the platform’s contemporary designation while continuing, in practice, to refer to it by its previous one. The phrase “X, formerly known as Twitter,” is to be deployed in formal writing only; in casual usage, the original name persists, as a matter of both convenience and quiet protest.

Module II — The Quote-Tweet

The quote-tweet is the foundational instrument of the discipline. The candidate will demonstrate the canonical forms: the silent screenshot, the single emoji response (most commonly the side-eye, the popcorn, or the bewildered bear), and the most advanced of the canonical forms, the four-word sentence designed to humiliate the original author without engaging the substance of the original argument.

Module III — On Achieving the Ratio

The candidate will be examined on the strategic accumulation of replies in excess of likes — the so-called ratio, a state of social standing in which the original author is demonstrably more disliked than agreed with. The practitioner participates in the ratio not by reading the original tweet but by quote-tweeting one’s own reply with the words “this is a ratio.”

Module IV — Pile-On Choreography

The advanced practitioner does not coordinate. The advanced practitioner joins. The candidate will demonstrate the disciplined arrival to a pile-on already in progress, with a contribution that is (i) at least nine hours late; (ii) framed as if it were the first such observation; and (iii) closed with the phrase “and somehow, no one’s saying this.”

Module V — The Receipt-Replier

The candidate will achieve fluency in the canonical reply-with-screenshot. The practitioner maintains, in their photo library, a curated archive of historical posts by other users, indexed by topic, ready to be deployed when the user in question changes their position. The screenshot is to be posted without comment, captioned with a single emoji, most often the magnifying glass.

Module VI — Final Considerations

The graduate is expected to maintain at least one mute list, one block list, and one list-of-people-they-are-not-blocking-but-are-watching. The graduate will, on departing the platform “for good,” return within the week.